Senior Splits

A look at Later-Life Divorce

by Ellen Lyon, Harrisburg Patriot NEws

It's been nearly a year since Sherman Smith's 33-year marriage ended in a divorce that, he said, his ex-wife wanted after she realized she didn't love him in the same way any more.

"A divorce is kind of like a death but she's still there and I can't have her," Smith, 55, of Elliottsburg, said. "I was really looking forward to retiring someday and spending more time with her."

Smith has spent 18 months in a divorce support group at Camp Hill United Methodist Church. "I'm not 100 percent but I'm pretty doggone good," he said.

Annie, 69, of Enola, who didn't want her last name used, has been divorced since September after her husband of 47 years left her for a high school flame.

Annie said she had considered their marriage a happy one. Divorce simply wasn't in the realm of possibilities for them.

"It hit me in the face like a two-ton truck," she said. "I hadn't a clue. It was the most absolutely horrible thing that ever happened to me. I'm still not over it. I'll never be over it."

The divorce rate is highest among men ages 30-34 and women ages 25-29. But attorneys, marriage counselors and researchers say that increasingly, people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are grappling with what the media has termed "gray divorce."

A worldwide economic boom, which is associated with higher incomes, advanced education and longer lives, widely contributes to the end of those marriages, said Gordon Nelson, an associate professor of human development and family studies at Penn State.

"People might be becoming increasingly more independent," he said.

Mature people in long-term marriages often have multiple and complex reasons for calling it quits.

The '60s generation, which has been more focused on happiness and personal fulfillment and is less inhibited about divorce, is moving into its 60s, New Cumberland psychologist and marriage and family therapist Sally Tice noted.

And as people live longer "there's more years to think of putting up" with unhappy marriages, she said.

Raising children can take a toll, too.

"It's very typical for couples to grow apart during the adolescent years of their children," Tice said. And if they haven't renewed their relationship, it can fall by the wayside.

Carlisle divorce and family law attorney Carol Lindsay identified one age-old reason for gray divorce: the midlife crisis. This temporary emotional upheaval is seldom referred to as such by anyone in the midst of one, and it's typically a male phenomenon, she said.

"There's this vague longing. Mortality is calling," Lindsay said. "People throw over things they have. ... There's this sense that I missed something."

But it's not always true that older men find it easier to remarry, said Camp Hill attorney Corky Goldstein -- whose oldest divorce client was 81 and "very, very unhappy" in a 44-year marriage.

"If you don't really have any money, a man in his 70s is not going to attract a younger woman," he said.

Yet, while divorce at midlife used to be more of a "male deal," increasingly women are initiating it, Lindsay said.

A 2004 AARP study of people who had divorced between the ages of 40 and 70 confirmed Lindsay's observations: 66 percent of the women surveyed said they had asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of the men.

Lindsay believes a different kind of midlife event is often at work with women who, for years, cared for their husband and children.

"The hormone for taking care of people goes away and they're sick of it," she said. "They're just not in the nurturing mode any more."

Sometimes it has to do with women getting jobs and having the money to leave, coupled with a softening of the taboo against divorce, Lindsay said.

Gray divorces generally don't have the grueling, heart-rending custody issues common in younger couples' divorces, but they can be fraught with the complications of property ownership and division of assets.

In Smith's case, his ex-wife had her own pension plan, he said.

Annie, a retired teacher, also has her own pension and Social Security, but she resents how the divorce has changed her financial situation.

"When my husband and I were together we had enough money to do whatever we wanted and now I'm strapped," she said.

A wife who didn't work outside the home is entitled under Pennsylvania law to half the value of what her husband's pension was worth during their marriage, Goldstein said.

And the partner with money might have to pay for the divorce lawyer for the partner without money, he said.

Some older couples show their maturity in the way they handle their divorce.

"Sometimes there are graceful older people and you are so grateful for them as clients," Lindsay said. "I always think a long marriage deserves to be honored with a respectful divorce."

THE GRAYING OF DIVORCE:

In 2004, AARP found that among 1,147 people who had divorced from ages 40 to 70:

* Abuse topped the reasons for divorce (34 percent), followed by differences in values and lifestyle (29 percent) and cheating (27 percent). * 73 percent divorced in their 40s, 22 percent in their 50s and 4 percent in their 60s or older. * Children were the leading reason cited for waiting to divorce. * 76 percent said they made the right decision in divorcing. * Women had more financial fears, although 66 percent reported they were the ones who initiated the divorce. * Respondents in their 60s and 70s appreciated life after divorce the most, while those in their 50s had the most difficulty. * 31 percent remarried.

SOURCE: "The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond," AARP.

TIPS FOR SURVIVING DIVORCE IN LATER LIFE:

* Join a support group. Develop same-sex friendships. Volunteer. Don't isolate yourself. * Seek out medical, mental health and spiritual resources. * Give yourself time to grieve and heal. * Consult an attorney and a financial adviser before signing documents regarding marital assets. * Choose an attorney who will advise you of your rights and represent your interests but won't escalate matters beyond your comfort level. You both are going to want to attend the grandchildren's birthday parties.

SOURCES: DivorceCare support group leaders Beth and Wayne Janis, Mechanicsburg attorney Jeanne Costopoulos, Camp Hill attorney Corky Goldstein.

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For more information regarding the Sadis, Flower & Lindsay, contact us at 717-243-6222 or please visit www.sfl-law.com.